So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
