I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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