Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i believe in u and ur pee
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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