If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
