I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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