the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Randomize
