Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
