Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
