wrigley field is MILF paradise
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
