she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
