You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
