Can i not drive my cunt home
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
There r osticjed everywhere
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
