My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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