ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
