shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
