she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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