Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
