You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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