I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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