Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
