First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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