I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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