Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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