is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Walk of Shame today included voting.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
