No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
