You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
