i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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