There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
where does the pee come out of this thing
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
