My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
