i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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