I'm lost and stupid without you.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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