my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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