Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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