I'm so fucking centered right now
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
