Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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