Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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