At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
