Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Randomize
