I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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