Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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