my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
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He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
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Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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