Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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