hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
