I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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