weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
