he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
