stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
