So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
