It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
