My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
