Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
