So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
