We named our party play list daddy issues
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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