Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
well you can't waste a boner
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
