Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
