: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
