There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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