i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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