Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
