Just fell off a train. Bad.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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