I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
this hospital has no fireball
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
